1. tell the truth, but whole truth, don't like about if ya married to sister, ya, there's nothing wrong with that, but you know lot of people don't understand
2. so lahk be yurself but like not as stupid, not like drunk all the time, not lahk sittin around on couch in your undies- but be yurself
3. you can talk about anything lahk yer dog, you should tell people about yur dog, lahk specially if it dahd and yer sad cuz then ppl will feel bad for you and they foller you- that's called a pity foller- hey that's as good as any other foller- lahk i ah say, follers is follers!
4. yeah if yer a redneck lahk me you prolly dont have- friends- but also you prolly don't have a blog, cuz you can really write, ya know- mah mom tho she's a genius, she made it all the way to the second grade- she's a genius! but if ya don't have a blog, you can still uh link to other ppl's blogs and they'll like be yur best friend- not lahk the kinda best friend that'll help you when yer so drunk yer throwin up on everything, but like you know, the kinda friend that'll tell ya if yer fly's down- yeah
5. and fer some strange reason all dese twitter folks they like uh jokes and they lahk uh pictures of cats with misspelled words on em, i dunno i thought all these uh ppl were educatered you know more than me, but they sure do lahk those cats with misspelled words on em
6. if you need uh a few follers, just foller all dese folks who foller lahk 600 billion people cuz they want everybody to think that uh there everybody's friend you know? (whisper) they're not! but hey, follers is follers!
7. yeah and uh keep it short, you know, if ya can you should uh definitely consider keeping yer tweets less than uh 200 characters- yeah that's real important
that's already like twelve tips thar
8. another thing- you know if ya can, you can be contrervershall- i do dat i didn't know i wuz but some ladies told me i was sexist and i was some kinda missus gymnast- which is weird cuz i've never done a flip or nothing- but so turns out ahm just natchrally pretty vershall- and that gets me lots of follers and replies and hate mail and follers and hey follers is follers!
man that's already like twenty twitter tips raht thar-
9. so uh lahk one more tip- uh, gotta be a good one- oh yeah, you can get lots of girls on twitter- you know, prettier than yer sister even- and uh, yeah lots of girls and there's so many girls that you can find a few that lahk you no matter how weird you are- i mean look at me, ahm a rpetty normal guy, but if yer weird you can still get some girls to foller ya, and hey, girl follers are girls follers! raht?
yeah thanks and everything that was like twenty five twitter tips raht there
ok- thanks, so um you have any questions for me, cuz ahm lahk a twitter expert.
ah toldja how to do it, toldja how to do it.
Also - I have recently realized that Loren Baker eats baby seal mignon, and have reported him to PETA.
Bwahahaha!! I have a built-in defense to use on cops when I get pulled over...when they ask what I do for a living, I simply reply with a sad puppy look on my face, "I'm a public school teacher, sir."
Works every time! lol